P to the D to the A to the NO?!?

I was at work today stocking the napkin dispenser and literally had to stop two people making out just to get them to move out of my way so I could open a drawer. Was I dealing with teenagers? Hardly. I was unfortunately playing sex police to people in their mid 20's. While I think most people have become accustomed to seeing men and women publicly displaying their affection, whether it be simply holding hands to practically molesting each other while waiting for a latte, why do we still raise our eyebrows at two men holding hands while waiting for the streetcar, or walking through the mall?

I thought about this throughout my shift and became acutely aware of the fact that for all the heterosexual couples I see publicly displaying their affection throughout the day, it is incredibly rare to see two men displaying their affection for each other publicly. I started wondering about why this was, and since I couldn't answer the question, I decided to ask my gay friends. I personally found the results quite surprising.

One friend admitted that while holding hands with his boyfriend in public, he received multiple stares in a 5 minute time span. Another said that he thinks excessive PDA's are just trashy and participate in them regardless of his sexual orientation, others admitted to feeling awkward, the point was, the majority of my gay friends don't participate in PDA's.

I think the comment I found the most surprising was my friend who admitted to being stared at while holding hands with his boyfriend. Have we as a society not evolved at all? Why do we not blink twice when Lady Gaga slips a noose around her neck at an awards show, or when Madonna releases a sex book, but two men hold hands and people feel the need to stare? Is there still the notion that kind of display should be contained to "the village" and gay bars? Why do we chuckle when two horny heteros are practically fornicating in public, but two men holding hands and we have to pick our jaws up from the ground and put our eyes back into our sockets? Wherein lies the difference?

I for one, want to encourage a little gay pda. Love is love, plain and simple. As cliche as that is, its cliche for a reason. The fact that we are all wrapped up the gender of the the people engaging in the act shows that maybe as a society we aren't as progressive as we think, and maybe, we're wrapped up in the wrong idea. Why can people walk past a heterosexual couple recreating amateur porn in Starbucks, but two men holding hands is what raises our eyebrows?!?!

Instead of asking what "their" problem is....maybe we should be asking what OUR problem is.

Hetero-Homo Relations: Gays and the Women Who Love Them

I've been dubbed a fag-hag. I hate the "f" word, always have but it seems to have become attached to my name as of late. Recently I was introduced to a new employee by a co worker as "this is Stephanie, she's a fag hag" I used to laugh it off, but recently I started thinking about the term, gays, the women who love them, and hetero-homo relations in general.

Are the women in the lives of gay men really looked at as hags? The term hag in and of itself is harsh and comes with many negative implications, but do the men of the gay community love us, but pity us at the same time? Do they feel a little sad for us women who are there for them, go shopping with them, do all the things they love, but at the same time don't have a man of their own? What is the connection between the 'mos and the missies, and how to do we as the missies balance the hetero and homo in our lives?

My previous relationship proved to be quite the challenging balancing act of gay life and straight life as I quickly learned, much to my surprise, that for the most part gay men and straight men are like little boys and Michael Jackson.....they aren't quite sure if they like each other, and neither are the rest of us. Why can't gay men and straight men harmoniously co exist? I've been told by both groups that "we just don't have anything in common", but isn't that really looking at the world through a pinhole? Do gay men really think that straight men sit around watching football, drinking beer, talking tits, and burping? And do straight men really think that gay men go shopping, fix their hair, and are always checking them out?

Can gay men and straight men widen the pigeon hole to co exist? Or will the gays and the straights continue to be at odds like a mother in law who pretends to like her daughter in law, but secretly thinks she shows a little too much cleavage at the dinner table?

As women, how do we balance our heteros and our 'mos? I found this the most challenging thing of all as the two groups do not integrate well, so I was often in the position of choosing one group over the other. Straight men won't go to gay bars, I've been told that straight boys "smell" and therefore straight bars are out of the question, the two orientations apparently have NOTHING to talk about, so how does the balancing act work? In the sexual sandbox of life, who gets to play with the shovel? And as "hags" are we always getting the slightly shorter end of the stick, having fun with our 'mos but going home alone? Or hanging out with our heteros and missing out on good times?

Straight boys, the gays aren't into you. Gay boys, there's more to straight boys that football and fucking.....can't we all just get along?

Gay Banditos

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o-id4GKsaQk

I dug this up from the YouTube archives the other day and it really puts things into perspective. Lewis Black highlight the absurdity of the entire gay marriage debate, and you can't help but laugh at not only his humor, but the logic of those he criticizes.

The Magic Numbers

We live in a society obsessed with numbers. Everything from age, salary, length of our last relationship, and amount of education is numbered and measured.

What might be the most important number when entering into a new relationship is "the" number. The number that can be difficult to talk about, or embarrassing to admit....the number of sexual partners we've had, or the type people we've slept with.

My last relationship of three years was with someone who had significantly less sexual experience than me, and this initially raised issues, as my boyfriend suddenly became self conscious during sex, because he felt compared to every other person I had been with. I had a discussion with someone else today who didn't want to admit to their boyfriend who they had slept with for fear of being judged as slutty or trashy. In a society where we are judged based on every other number in our life, do we really need to start judging ourselves and each other based on our sexual past? And is there really a magic number? How many is too many? How few makes you inexperienced? Why do we search for a magic number, when there probably isn't one to be found?

So whether we are 26, make $50 000 a year, have slept with 15 people, or 5 people, we need to stop numerically ranking every aspect of our lives, judging ourselves, and allowing other people to place judgment on us based on the numbers in our lives.

The other question that comes with numbers is equivalency and equality. Can we date someone who makes significantly more or less money than us? Do we really need to know how many partners our significant other has had? And if you feel like you need to know, ask yourself "why do I need to know? Why are we so hung up on the numbers?? We've become the Sesame Street Count in every aspect of our lives "one, two, ten sexual partners" "20, 30, 40 000 dollars a year" "3, 4, 5, previous relationships". Eventually, the beads on the abacus of life will run out, and all we will be left with are judgments.

While the numbers on the scale don't lie, the rest of the numbers in life don't matter! Our age is irrelevant, money can't buy complete happiness, (although it can buy nice boots) and our past should remain in the past. The numbers act as a form of judgment. Drop the numbers, drop the judgement.

Have your 25th (or 26th) birthday cake, and eat it too!!

Gay vs Straight Sex 2: The Power Bottom: Welcome to My Body

Being the heterosexual cheese who stands alone amongst the plethora of gay men in my life, I'm often having conversations comparing "straight sex" to "gay sex" and the differences, dynamics, and power struggles that exist or don't exist in the intimate lives of both sexualities. Yesterday was no different as I discussed the not so subtle nuances between being and "bottom" and a "power bottom".

The bottom, in gay sex, is the receiver of all things penis. Akin to the woman, the bottom is the person in the relationship who opens up the door to their body, and invites the other in. As a woman, we invite you into our cozy home, make your stay as comfortable and enjoyable as possible, and when it's time for you to leave, we happily walk you out. While I always found this to be a position of power with sexual partners, I was shocked to find out that the attitude is not the same within the gay community.

I found this out when a friend of mine recently "bottomed" for the first time in quite a long time. While he surprisingly enjoyed the experience, he informed me that he planned on making himself a "power bottom". I obviously questioned the term and was informed that bottoms are typically seen as passive and submissive, while power bottoms, despite being in a position of less control physically, still run the show.

I found the idea of a submissive bottom intriguing as I have never considered my position within my sexual relationships to be anything but in control. As a matter of fact, I've always enjoyed the power my position holds. As the person who is allowing another human inside of yourself, you have the ultimate control in the situation. I've always found that by having someone in my house, they had to play by my rules, whether that be intensity, position, frequency, whatever. The point is, you come to my yard, you play by my rules. Also, in our sexually creative world of multiple places, positions, and times to have sex, is the idea of the bottom not a little archaic? Are you still considered the "bottom" if you are perched on top, happily directing the sexual traffic?

So I'm challenging all homosexuals to forsake their idea of the powerless bottom and embrace the position for the potential endowment it holds. Invite the boys to your house and make them play by your rules. If they spill red wine on your sofa, kick their ass out! For those of you who are "tops" in your individual sexual forays, let your bottom run the show, you'll never know how sexy a night with a bossy bottom can be until they hand you the itinerary ;)

Welcome to Cougartown

cougar: a large powerful tawny-brown cat (Felis concolor) formerly widespread in the Americas but now reduced in number or extinct in many areas —Merriam-Webster's Dictionary

cougar: An older woman who frequents clubs in order to score with a much younger man. The cougar can be anyone from an overly surgically altered wind tunnel victim, to an absolute sad and bloated old horn-meister, to a real hottie or milf. Cougars are gaining in popularity -- particularly the true hotties -- as young men find not only a sexual high, but many times a chick with her shit together. --- urbandictionary.com

I've been called a cougar 6 times today. I went to the club on Saturday night and kissed a boy, multiple times....he was 21. I don't even know if he knew how old I was, and truth be told I didn't care. But as the term "cougar" kept popping up, I couldn't help but wonder a few things. 1, why is being a "cougar" to use the term in question, necessarily bad? and 2, where is the male equivalent of a cougar? Why do we celebrate any time a guy ends up with a woman or man, regardless of their age, and lament the women who don't restrict themselves to a certain age bracket?

The cliche saying is that guys who sleep with alot of women are players, girls who sleep with alot of guys, are sluts. Has the stigma of being a slut given birth to the equally prejudiced stigma of being a cougar? When did a younger man suddenly make a woman crazy, desperate, or dirty? And why is it different when women choose to date older men? My last boyfriend, who I was with for three and a half years, was 3 years older than me. Never once in those three and half years did anyone ever question the difference in our age.The boy I kissed at the bar last night, is 4 years younger than me.....wherein lies the difference? Why was my relationship never questioned, but my night of meaningless kissing brought under scrutiny??

What's possibly the most perplexing part of all of this, is that those who are bothered by the idea of a woman dating someone younger than her, can't even explain why. A friend of mine admitted that he found it weird, but at the same time, didn't know why he found it weird, and knew that he shouldn't. So when does the stigma stop and the celebration begin? Why is there still a double standard for single women?

I thought about this alot and came to one, of many questions.....do men (and some women) think that women still need a "protector" thus making the older, boyfriend okay? Does society still see women as needing the "protection" of an older man. Do we still want women to have someone look out for us, help us make decisions, and generally guide our silly heads down the often confusing road of life? Will an older boyfriend help us make decisions, solve our dilemmas, and generally make sure we survive on a day to day basis?

Thanks, but no thanks. If I wanted a father figure, I'd volunteer at a senior citizens home. Why does society still think women need protecting? Why do we still see it as okay for a woman to date an older man, but a younger one raises eyebrows??

The other thing I thought about today, was the potential benefits that come from dating younger men. If my close encounter with the younger kind taught me anything, its that younger men like in control women. Saturday I completely called the shots, I danced when I wanted to dance, kissed when I wanted to kiss, gave him my number when I felt like he had earned it, and left the club knowing he was watching me walk away. Are the younger men a new generation, who, instead of being intimidated by the in control woman, are actually turned on?

While I'm not officially packing my bags for Courgartown, my passport has been stamped, it's a beautiful little place, and I'll definitely be back to visit! For those of you who see Cougartown as the wrong side of the tracks, you might want to re-evaluate the side of those tracks you so loyally tread....

Gay vs Straight Sex

"And yet you can have good sex with someone you don't like or respect.....or even remember"

-Samantha Jones, Sex and the City

Despite the obvious anatomical differences, are gay sex and straight sex really that much different? And is the approach and outlook towards sex that much different between the two communities?

I started thinking about this after a conversation I had with a close friend, in which he warned me against hooking up with a co worker. My friend is gay, and has hooked up with co workers on multiple occasions, so naturally, I called him out. His response is what sparked this entire debate. "We're gay, gay people can have meaningless sex like they can blink an eye" While some people might look at that as a sign of stereotypical homosexual promiscuity, I couldn't help but think that maybe gays have it right. What is sex, if not simply a physical act to satisfy a physical need? We have sex when we're horny, stressed, happy, the emotional sexual gamete is endless, but the bottom line is that sex satisfies.

Have straight people, in particular, straight women, taken the satisfaction out of sex by over infusing it with emotion? I'm hardly suggest a promiscuous free for all, but is there really all that much shame in "the walk of shame". Should women (or men) feel ashamed for fulfilling a physical need?

Can we not find power in the one night stand? Can we not walk down the streets in the early morning feeling fulfilled and satisfied? The majority of society would probably still disagree with me, and say that looking at sex as an act of satisfaction and not an act of love is just a move towards trouble, but what I think the bigger question is, why can't it be both?

So can straight people move towards the ways of the gays? Has a casual outlook towards sex become the new sophistication? And is the ability to separate the sex you have for love, from the sex you have for need, the new intellectual sexual revolution?